Current mood:

crushed

What is going on?
Funny how I don't understand others... or even myself sometimes.

This probably belongs to the world of privacy. Of course you can still click on it and read at will and I,ll never know. I suspect it's too easy sometimes..

I have to write this down though, in dim hope that it can alleviate some of my burden. Just because I can't seem to do it myself anymore.


On saturday, I came back to the school, having a bit of work to do concerning the tennis club. Classes did start in a few days after all, and practice as well.
Kirihara Akaya. Rikkai. Just what is he? I agreed to a match... I thought it could be nice to warm up before things got started again. It was a decent match, even if I was leading. He was giving me a nice workout for some so-called 'second-year ace'.

After I won 2 games, his first serve almost hit me. I asked him to be more careful, and...
What did he says again, back then..? Something like wanting to destroy that beautiful face? Maybe he said something about me thinking it was what I treasured most, somehow... He is quite wrong to think that. Of course, I do take care of my outside appearance and dislike appearing less than perfect to others in that aspect. It is a matter of respect for myself and also others, after all. You do not go up to people while having oily and dandruffy hair, or being smelly.
Either way... he suceeded.

The bruise has faded by now. Not enough to dissapear. I don't want to hear anyone comment about it anymore. It's tiring... to hear them all being concerned as if it wa some life-threatening injury. Everyne seems to think like HE ddid, that stupid Kirihara.
My face isn't what's the most important! In fact I am even glad he chose this somehow, because if he had hit anything else...

I stopped the match after it hit me. It stung a little after the initial flare of pain... and I noticed how he wasn't snapping out of that strange attitude. As I thought, he didn't seem to mind he had hurt me after I hit him myself so he could regain his quite useless senses.
He wanted to go on. He wanted to continue the match.
I did not.
I am glad it happened at an official match. If I ever face him again in an official match I can't stop... I hope he continues aiming to destroy my face.

Because my face isn't as important as my legs, wrists, arms and eyes.. all I need to play tennis.
One day, I will win against him. Like I won against everyone else before him.

In the evening, Bane came over. It was quite late. He was the first one to see me with that fresh bruise. I am glad he was satisfied by my revelation that a tennis ball did it and asked no further question.
Then we moved on to his problem.. which he tried to evade. I had to wring it out of him, somehow. It turns out it was, again, concerning that friend of his, whom he had to kiss below the mistletoe at the christmas party.
In the end, somehow, we kissed.
I don't know if it really solved anything for him.

I only know it created problems for me.
The memories somehow flooded back.
...the guilt too...
But why should I feel guilty? ...I thought I was all right.. that no matter who Jirou ended up choosing between me or whoever else in the future wouldn't matter. If it were me.. then I was deserving of a second chance.
It turns out I did not. Even my great self cannot be granted this. But then, perhaps I already used up that second chance... with Taki.. or Sengoku.
I remembered all this...

Finally, yesterday, I thought of calling to a new buisness firm's associate and see what it had to offer. They had somehow misprinted the number.. and I reached Jirou.. through Echizen's cellphone.
It may not have been that bad if I could not have guessed what they were doing when I heard Jirou moan at the other end of the line.

Why did it felt like I had been stabbed right through my chest?
I thought I was goig to be all right. I just needed to focus on tennis. It worked before. Before i tried this 'love' thing and failed, I was invincible.

...I was perfect...

I'm tired. I don't know what to do anymore.
I can't even stop thinking about Jirou... and that brat's in the picture too.
Why didn't practice last longer? Why didn't classes do too?
I can't occupy my brain 24 hours a day. Not an hour passes without a thought slipping into my mind.

I thought of going to Ohtori's room tonight and try that chessboard of his, and see whatever it was that he wanted me to see. I don't think I should... or rather.... I can't.
I'm so tired... but I'll never let anyone see that. I can't let it all wear me down.

I'm stronger than that, aren't I...? It's over. I can't do anything about it.
I can't do anything... except pretend it doesn't hurt.