Atobe Keigo

Way of Life

Thu, 05 Feb 2004 01:56:18 GMT

I have a lot of white noise in my head right now... thoughts are buzzing, and I can hardly concentrate on anything...

....anything... except that match.
It can't be described in words.... It can't be described at all.

And best of all.... it isn't over yet.

It's been a while.. since I'd anticipated something so intensely.

...

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 21:16:16 GMT

I am not quite certain what to say here.

One thing is for certain, I owe.. someone.. an apology.
I wonder if I shouldn't think I am lucky only one person (other than the one I was with) witnessed me with such an... immature behavior. I think I lost sight of my goal... and it did slip from my mind in quite a short time as it was replaced by... what was it? Revenge? Anger? At this time I am unable to tell...

I will make sure that this is the first and last time something like this happens. The damage remains though.. and I am the only one who can patch it up since I, after all, caused it.

Many of you reading this may wonder what exactly I am talking about.
Well you are never going to know.

I may get more than a few questions tomorrow...

As seen in the Atobe vs Kirihara match, Atobe now bears some kind of cut on his cheek. Um.. right one, let's say.. so yeah, it's red and ugly but he won't hide it and will dismiss any questions and inquries about it and act like his ever-regal self throughout.

Ore-sama no UPDATE ni yoi na!

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 04:36:00 GMT

Yes, yes I am back with another entry, and things have finally shifted towards more interesting patterns!

Friday is thankfully coming soon.. One single only chance.. and I will not miss it!
Classes and practice are virtually the same... I keep thinking it is quite shame to have no tornament to look forward to..

....speaking of which... I wonder if I can beat Agassi before he retires... Of course the question is not on the 'beat Agassi' matter.. but on the 'before he retires'.....

Thank heavens it's saturday.

Sun, 25 Jan 2004 05:45:39 GMT

Rarely do I remain awake so long... For some reason I seem unable find sleep...
It may be time for me to think things through again.

And no, you don't even deserve a private entry, peasants.

Well well...

Tue, 20 Jan 2004 23:04:26 GMT

Geology exam this morning... I actually had to put my thinking cap on, which was quite a change from the usual. I wonder if sensei created that last question especially for me... not to mention that one practical part. After all, geology is supposed to be easy... it's simply remembering characteristics, factors and.. voila. I do wonder if sensei did not humour himself by giving me pyrite. Fool's Gold. Analyse this, indeed...

Nothing noteworthy happened for the rest of the day.
Now for homework. I may get more practice in tonight. Something big will be happening tomorrow.

Freedom?

Sat, 17 Jan 2004 12:24:13 GMT

Hm... student council meeting later today. I do hope we all can be productive. It seems many draw a blank when the semester starts, and a few have trouble getting simply moving.

While I have a minute, I should probably state that this one Saeki person is really quite a number.
As far as meeting once again goes, it is absolutely not my priority.

Speaking of meetings, I find myself pondering upon what may happen wednesday. History will tell me if it was a mistake or not... but then ore-sama hardly makes any mistakes.

Small reflection

Thu, 15 Jan 2004 16:53:06 GMT

So yesterday I had a game. With none other than Rokkaku's buchou.

If any of you are saddened about missing it, I will point out that nothing incredibly great happened... I shall also point out that Rokkaku's tennis club captain is a first year.
Ah, good, the excitement died now didn't it?
I will be honest though, it was more useful and interesting than to work on math problems. I believe that any tennis match is training, as easy as it sometimes is.

For those wondering, the score was 6-4. Ore-sama does not need to tell you who won.

One last thing: That.. is really a strange racket he has.

Before going to bed...

Tue, 13 Jan 2004 04:24:21 GMT

I was awake for a little longer, pondering over my recent actions, feelings and decisions.

I do not need anyone else to support me. I do not need anyone by my side to show devotion or love since I can very well do that myself if I so need to.

I am a mountain, and all waves crash against my immobile, great self. The sun will rise again for me tomorrow.

Tue, 13 Jan 2004 01:54:24 GMT

I thought more about this.
It was weakness, after all. I don't have any weaknesses now.
It was easy to get rid of it, after all.

Moving onto other things..
Homework is out of the way... among other things.
Now for some tennis.

At least my wednesday is taken care of.
Which reminds me, Ohtori. If tomorrow evening is all right I'll come by for the chess game.

A few stray thoughts

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 06:08:05 GMT

It is strange how things can be a rollercoaster at times.

Tonight... I finally have time to settle in my chair and think, and write.
My week at school went as usual. Tests, reports, homework.. and practice. I want a tournament, somehow.... This is my bigest dissapointment about being eliminated.

I need the crowd... the cheers... I need something to make my adrenaline pump.
Maybe I could look into some upcoming tournaments and go by myself. There is bound to be a few being announced for summer.
I want to be there. On top.
Somehow, the excitement about being a buchou doesn't cut it anymore. Sitting around doesn't suit me.

Aside from tennis, I mingled momentarily in another peasant filled place yesterday. What was it again.. some dance club? It was quite noisy...
I almost forgot about the amusing event that happened on friday... Ore-sama attracts lost people? Well, I did get a tennis match out of it, which will be nice to fill my wednesday evening, I predict. A trip to Chiba is in order after dealing with class work....

Now, about that other debt.... hm... I admit at least one interesting person lies at Rokkaku besides Bane.

How strange...

Tue, 06 Jan 2004 03:51:23 GMT

One hour you want to get out of this life... but the next... is different.

Too bad it's private again, eh?

I did not want to be in a relationship.
It was painful when Jirou threatened to leave.. and it was again painful when we did break up. I made a lot of mistakes... The pain returned even more sharply yesterday... and almost tore me up today.

I thought it would hurt if this were to happen again... if I were to be a failure in another relationship. The wounds were too fresh and easily reopened.
Bu then... I had made myself blind to what was happening around me, and never noticed as someone crept up on me... and today he has made his feelings known.

I wonder why Bane... We did become friends incredibly quickly, and he actually seems.. very open, understanding... I merely have to remember that if I sleep over at his house I should wake early.. or be awoken.
He is also quite honest with his feelings and trusted me quite easily. Perhaps I did not suspect him to have feelings of this magnitude because I thought he had them strongly towards that one he'd kissed at the party....

When he confessed though, I almost broke down from the pain. Of course he couldn't have known for Jirou... I knew I was going to hurt him by this answer, but wasn't it better not to have a relationship if it was going to end in a painful way?
He pressed on.. this showed his determination and his feeling's strenght. He won't do anythingI don't want him to do.

He confessed to me... this somehow takes courage. I should know... since I was the one who started it with Jirou.
The end result though.... today...

I feel free.
I am happy.. and somehow in love again.

Life can't be better.

What is going on?

Mon, 05 Jan 2004 21:30:11 GMT

Funny how I don't understand others... or even myself sometimes.

This probably belongs to the world of privacy. Of course you can still click on it and read at will and I,ll never know. I suspect it's too easy sometimes..

I have to write this down though, in dim hope that it can alleviate some of my burden. Just because I can't seem to do it myself anymore.

On saturday, I came back to the school, having a bit of work to do concerning the tennis club. Classes did start in a few days after all, and practice as well.
Kirihara Akaya. Rikkai. Just what is he? I agreed to a match... I thought it could be nice to warm up before things got started again. It was a decent match, even if I was leading. He was giving me a nice workout for some so-called 'second-year ace'.

After I won 2 games, his first serve almost hit me. I asked him to be more careful, and...
What did he says again, back then..? Something like wanting to destroy that beautiful face? Maybe he said something about me thinking it was what I treasured most, somehow... He is quite wrong to think that. Of course, I do take care of my outside appearance and dislike appearing less than perfect to others in that aspect. It is a matter of respect for myself and also others, after all. You do not go up to people while having oily and dandruffy hair, or being smelly.
Either way... he suceeded.

The bruise has faded by now. Not enough to dissapear. I don't want to hear anyone comment about it anymore. It's tiring... to hear them all being concerned as if it wa some life-threatening injury. Everyne seems to think like HE ddid, that stupid Kirihara.
My face isn't what's the most important! In fact I am even glad he chose this somehow, because if he had hit anything else...

I stopped the match after it hit me. It stung a little after the initial flare of pain... and I noticed how he wasn't snapping out of that strange attitude. As I thought, he didn't seem to mind he had hurt me after I hit him myself so he could regain his quite useless senses.
He wanted to go on. He wanted to continue the match.
I did not.
I am glad it happened at an official match. If I ever face him again in an official match I can't stop... I hope he continues aiming to destroy my face.

Because my face isn't as important as my legs, wrists, arms and eyes.. all I need to play tennis.
One day, I will win against him. Like I won against everyone else before him.

In the evening, Bane came over. It was quite late. He was the first one to see me with that fresh bruise. I am glad he was satisfied by my revelation that a tennis ball did it and asked no further question.
Then we moved on to his problem.. which he tried to evade. I had to wring it out of him, somehow. It turns out it was, again, concerning that friend of his, whom he had to kiss below the mistletoe at the christmas party.
In the end, somehow, we kissed.
I don't know if it really solved anything for him.

I only know it created problems for me.
The memories somehow flooded back.
...the guilt too...
But why should I feel guilty? ...I thought I was all right.. that no matter who Jirou ended up choosing between me or whoever else in the future wouldn't matter. If it were me.. then I was deserving of a second chance.
It turns out I did not. Even my great self cannot be granted this. But then, perhaps I already used up that second chance... with Taki.. or Sengoku.
I remembered all this...

Finally, yesterday, I thought of calling to a new buisness firm's associate and see what it had to offer. They had somehow misprinted the number.. and I reached Jirou.. through Echizen's cellphone.
It may not have been that bad if I could not have guessed what they were doing when I heard Jirou moan at the other end of the line.

Why did it felt like I had been stabbed right through my chest?
I thought I was goig to be all right. I just needed to focus on tennis. It worked before. Before i tried this 'love' thing and failed, I was invincible.

...I was perfect...

I'm tired. I don't know what to do anymore.
I can't even stop thinking about Jirou... and that brat's in the picture too.
Why didn't practice last longer? Why didn't classes do too?
I can't occupy my brain 24 hours a day. Not an hour passes without a thought slipping into my mind.

I thought of going to Ohtori's room tonight and try that chessboard of his, and see whatever it was that he wanted me to see. I don't think I should... or rather.... I can't.
I'm so tired... but I'll never let anyone see that. I can't let it all wear me down.

I'm stronger than that, aren't I...? It's over. I can't do anything about it.
I can't do anything... except pretend it doesn't hurt.

Early Morning

Sat, 03 Jan 2004 12:02:07 GMT

I came upon the realization that much had yet to be done before the start of the last school run. It is not that I do not think I can do it all before everything starts again, but I would like to get things out of the way and grant myself a day or two of rest. I trust those of the school council that need to contact me for buisness will do it promptly.

That, and I had forgotten the joys of home cooking.
...I think if a certain someone is reading this, he may get a laugh or two.

I have realized that most of us were dragged into this LiveJournal thing, even by different purposes and different people, since more or less 6 months. This is when it was officially started in either case.
It had its good points.. and also some bad points. It is in some sort just like a real journal. Some, like myself, keep a bit of a distance while others seem to pour their beings out. It can be a great communication, and I will not deny its use.
I do think those who assignated us to do this can be happy with the knowledge they achieved their goals... whatever they may have been.

The year has just started... and I already have quite a few things to look forward to.

By the way, Ohtori.. Do you have any day and time you would like for us to meet and play this game of chess?

Home Sweet Home?

Wed, 31 Dec 2003 17:17:32 GMT

It did take me a while, but I finally cleared the way for the new year. It is just what I had hoped for, even if it did take me more time than I thought it would.

What it all boils down to is that I can go back home with a clearer head and more of a free mind.

Looking back on this year, I can see the many roads I walked, the many victories and all those small defeats. Despite what many may think, wether I say that i have changed or will change hardly matters at all. Whatever happens, whatever may happen in the future, I am myself.

Only myself.

This year, I have noticed I made new acquaintances, but also earned what I will call friends, because they assured me they could be designated so.
They know who they are, and for one of them, I will say that the saying 'a friend in need is a friend indeed' does apply.

Well, it now is time for me to go back home.
On this note...

Happy new year.

So what next?

Sat, 27 Dec 2003 12:01:48 GMT

I am finally ready to go and tackle the last few things related to student council woes. Hopefully these issues can all be resolved before the year ends. If everyone that I want to talk to is available today, it may even be finalized before the end of the afternoon, but I am not putting my hopes up.

I must say that I had the strangest dream last night. I vaguely remember something about a farm, but there was snow as well as dried wheat. And then there was the issues of being paired in rooms and having tasks to do. Hm... Freud would have an interesting time with that one, no doubt. I would ponder the imagery, but I hardly have time or interest for it right now. It was simply quite strange and unusual, also somewhat noteworthy.

Ah, time for me to go now. I look forward to matters being resolved, and shall enjoy that winding path.

Ah, after-christmas vibes

Fri, 26 Dec 2003 17:17:23 GMT

My parents may just be in league against me.

How am I supposed to move onto my duties after being woken up with such a grand breakfast? I have to say, I rarely had the occasion to eat such tasty french toast.
The other factor that makes me want to remain behind a day or two more and act as if my duties don't exist is the fact my aunt, uncle and cousin happened to stay with us. The breakfast table has rarely been so lively.

I might have been slightly presomptuous in thinking I could be back at the dorms today.
Fine then. But tomorrow I will go back, for at least a day. I still have a few problems to solve concerning the student council, and the slight challenge of the problem as well as the implied consequences of either result simply makes me tingle. I like challenges.

I had a nice christmas.. and I find myself hoping, somehow, that everyone else did.

Short intermission.

Wed, 24 Dec 2003 20:29:07 GMT

First of all, a very merry christmas to ore-sama.

And now that this is done, a very merry christmas to everyone else.

Am I spoiled?

Wed, 24 Dec 2003 03:14:03 GMT

Ah, Home sweet home! We are going to have a lst decorations check-up, but before that...

For my personal record, I will keep a tally of the gifts I have recieved so far.
If some sneaky people wish to take a peek... I suppose you can. It's not like I can check who looks and who does not.

Sengoku - Surprisingly, he was the first one to give me a gift. It's a strange but I have to admit tasteful necklace, black in color. I am inclined to wear it on some particular circumstances. Black does goes with everything. He has nice tastes, and I am lead to believe that it could even be handmade.

Ohtori - A pocketwatch. It is old, worn, but works marvelously. It was, as he told me, a gift made to.. his uncle? Or was it gradfather? Either way, I have to say I was stunned by this gift. Why, I wonder, would I be given such an emotionally charged gift? He might have had no use for it, and it is not that I don't think I deserve something so great, but.. it truly is a mystery.
I hardly doubt his good intentions, and I can say he has found the perfect gift for me. He even took time and care to have words engraved for my sake, making this object mine by giving it a new life. The words he had engraved are quite deep, and are most fitting.

Gakuto - That little sneak.. somehow he made a CD with the best piano pieces I have played! Not only that, but he admitted to getting in my room to see if there was a book by Goethe that I did not own.
I, however, am unable to be mad at him, for these two presents were greatly appreciated.

Oishi - Yes, he presented me with something as well... I never did imagine him to be able to buy something like this. There was, firstly, a quite tame bag of assorted sweets, and i suspect the cookies were homemade. Secondly though, was a small piano. carved in a faintly lavender-colored crystal.
He did not know about my fondness for piano. He guessed... somehow.
That was some incredible insight.

(CRACK-post)

Tue, 23 Dec 2003 22:50:06 GMT

KABAJI I LOVE YOU!!!

Come back to me!!!
I'm always crying alone in my cold bed now! Everyone hurts me they are so mean! No one was ever as sweet as you ;_; please let's make up!

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

Tue, 23 Dec 2003 17:18:02 GMT

In less than an hour, I will be home for Christmas.

Over the last few days, I have had... fun.
Yes, I had. Even if it somehow ended up in me losing a coat to muddy projectiles along with a pair of uniform pants and shoes, all were easily replaced, and what remains are memories that somehow never fail to make me feel a little happy.. and perhaps a tad childish. I am glad I did not have to explain my.. how shall I say.. improper conduct.

Thee is a saying for it, isn't it? Not seen, not caught.
I do need to make sure not to let myself slip again... even if it did had the final result of finding the perfect warm fuzzy-collared coat.
I also took this brilliant opportunity to get the tips of my hair cut into something more presentable. The ordeal had left it in a slight mess. Of course I could not present anything less than perfection to my priceless parents and extended family.

I am looking forward to the next few days. Immensely.

A few Thoughts

Sun, 21 Dec 2003 20:30:50 GMT

This song will now always make me laugh.

Yesterday was the Christmas Ball, which was a long-awaited event.

I am still in quite a strange mood from all this. What happened there was simply beyond my expectations. This day was perhaps the best I had this week.
I do have some presents left to give away, but in case it fails, I hardly think belated presents will be refused.

I can hardly express all of my thoughts here. They pass by so fast...
My verdict on the evening: It beats Paintball.

I am looking forward to christmas eve and the following day. In fact I have been anticipating it since the beginning of the month. What it means for our family is two full days in our secondary residence with the whole extended family.
What it means for me is a whole evening of piano playing, along with my cousin accompanying and occasionally relaying me with his violin.
It usually comes to a close once everyone simply passes out from exhaustion.

I don't think any other annual event brings fonder memories.

Except maybe a few tennis matches...

CRACK-post!

Sun, 21 Dec 2003 05:57:25 GMT

This morning, I was awoken by quite a lot of noise. It sounded as if aliens had broken in and wanted to steal my racket away to sell it to Saturnians at a high price! The HORROR!

As I awoke and my vision focussed, I was greeted to a much more spectacular surprise!
Valiantly working elves had set up a workshop in my room in the middle of the night, already busy making all manners of trinkets! The first words -and almost only words- I heard from them were 'Santa'.

Yes, Santa! I reached into my wardrobe and donned the bright, rich red and snowy white garments designating me as such! Since I was missing shoes, the elves made me a pair of big fuzzy slippers. They actually look like giant panther paws. Quite lovely!
I now begin a new life, and I have a new mission! make children of the world -at least tokyo, my designated area- happy on the 24th!

All this, of course, while continuing to flawlessly play my own tennis.

Hm, what awaits me after the 24th then, after my mission is done?
Emperor of Japan...?

There is a Special Feeling

Thu, 18 Dec 2003 17:49:26 GMT

I can breathe again.

I can finally look at the world in such a manner that I know it will not fall apart on me again.

I am not the greatest being alive. Actions speak loder than words will ever do, and in some cases it is the oppositie.
Up until yesterday I had been wrong, my perception of the world... or at least of one situation, one person, was flawed.
It is not anymore.

And I can say I am improving.
I am not perfect. I can only aim towards perfection.

Yesterday I also went shopping... which seemed to schock at least one person. I can still walk, so why would I not shop? Strange, strange idea... or perhaps this person imagined me as a mole that never gets out of its hole.
....and NO, I am not speaking of that mole, I am reffering to the animal.

Ohtori - Bought a few sheets of colored paper. The actual color of the crane is hard to decide. Will fold it after practice today.

Gakuto - Went to this restaurant he found months ago and was completely crazy about. The idea of death by tuna does not interest me, so he can bring whoever else he likes with the gft certificate I asked for.

Oshitari - Upon the suggestion of the help clerk at the video store, I bought him the new 'Sakura will always bloom for us'... which really does sound like the perfect tear-jerking love story he is fond of. Even without help, I could have picked it, but hearing more about the story simply crystallized my choice. Absolutely perfect.

Jirou - Since he likes Manga, and since I got to see most of his collection whil he was in my room, I thought of getting him the whole Samurai Deeper Kyo mangas. I was very grateful that the store had boxes available since having Kabaji dragging the 25 volumes stacked on top of our other purchases would be a hazard. The store also had the nicest gold-foiled wrapping paper.

Hiyoshi - I spent the longest time pondering about this. Actually, I have failed to find anything that was completely satisfactory I also have to get a present for this Secret Santa buisness. I may have to ask Ohtori, but I doubt that he would know more. Hiyoshi is not one of the easier people to guess interests...

Kabaji - I had difficulty tearing him away from the pet store yesterday... so he gets a present, slightly in advance. Three mice, complete with whatever these animals need. He is to pick the actual animals today since there was no way it was possible to do so yesterday. do think he will be able to care properly for them, seeing his very meticulous hobby. I had previously checked with the headmaster to see if these sort of pets were allowed in our dorms.

Shishido - Now here is another difficult one. I already have to do a second shopping spree anyway, so I may see something striking.

Taki - A talking, dancing jiggly purple flower. That was too good to pass up. The .. how to describe... flaming PINK wrapping is to die for.

Kantoku - I ducked into an import store and thought these italian caramels looked too good to pass up. It is the sort of thing I would offer myself for indulgement. Surely Kantoku will appreciate.

Oishi, that guy from Seigaku - Since the stubborn peasant gave me my money back, and since I knew he had fish, it was quite simple to go to the nearby petshop and look for something fitting. I picked up a Killifish. Despite the name, the helpful salesman informed me they were called as such simply because breeding them required much trial and error at first, and is still difficult to achieve these days. Good. I do not want to be labelled as assassin...
I chose one that is purple, gold and red in color. When he goes claim it, he will also find a 15 000 yen gift certificate. Now let's see him try to give me that back... Stubborn. I still have to figure out how to give him these silly interests back... but that will come in time.

Tue, 16 Dec 2003 03:25:10 GMT

Just because I need to say this.

Yes, Jirou, I am still hurt about this. I admitted it was fault, even if I can't recall doing it for the life of me! I can accept the blame. I can live with it. What I can't live with.. obviously.. is how doing this just killed our relationship.

I hurt us both... and I am still hurt. Maybe it hardly looks like it, but I do have my pride... and sometimes it's the only thing tht makes me stand. I've been living on my own without anyone, just myself and my numerous occupations. I was starting to find a balance...

...but it probably doesn't matter. Not after what I did.
I said I was sorry.. but you still closed the door on me. Shouldn't it be over now? Don't torture me with this anymore...
...or you'll probably hurt yourself along in the process.

Thoughts, Snow and Wind.

Mon, 15 Dec 2003 18:33:29 GMT

This last week was quite a rollercoaster. From the bottom to the highest place, then back down and finally up again.
I discovered a few things... about myself, and also others.
I also think others discovered things about me too.

I am changing. Again.
After all, isn't it what we humans are supposed to do? When put in face of certain situations, we can remain the same.. or evolve. By evolving, changing, we then see some situations in another light... and again, things change, circumstances change... and we also change as well. This is why despite calling us 'sedentary' is in certain aspects false. In our core, we are still nomads.

I have found out a few important things, knowledge that I previously lacked. Now, I have found out that what I thought to be a weakness was not one. In fact... it costs nothing.. and makes you gain quite a lot.

Not many people see me in that light... only those who know me. Those who have made that effort.

No one will be above me.
A few may be, however, right behind.